I am in week 10 of my half marathon training. Been on plan with the food since May 1st, thank goodness. Injured my right middle index finger - got cut in a fan (don't ask). Bad injury, will probably lose the nail. No stitches thankfully. Tired of bandaging it and wearing a bag on it in the shower already. You would be surprised how much you depend on all 5 digits! Typing w/my left hand...
No other news, just trying to remain binge free. Been eating really healthy. Still craving junk. I have lost a few lbs - about 10 to get to my previous low in 2008. High school reunion in 6 weeks. Did not go to 20th (weighed 200), went to 15th (weighed 135). If I could get to that or lower, it would be great, but w/6 weeks and the weight coming off slowly - doubtful. Just trying to keep running and stay on my food plan and, most importantly, not get injured. We are up to 7 miles in the training so far.
Can't figure out how to add a photo, so this is all for now.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
almost 4 years
It has been almost 4 years since I started my weight loss journey. Here is an old essay I wrote for a writing contest about that journey...
March 7, 2006 was the day that changed my life forever. It was on this day that I embarked on a health and fitness journey. 4 years later, I am still benefiting from the profound changes and transformation.
Like many people, I have struggled with weight issues my whole life. I was a chubby child until age 5 when I was in a car hit by a drunk driver. I broke my leg and spent the summer in a cast drinking milkshakes. The pounds piled on. I was painfully aware that I was different than other kids. This was back in the 70s when there were only a few fat kids around, not the proliferation like you see today. I always had friends, but I also endured emotionally debilitating taunts and abuse. I often came home from school crying. Children can be cruel. I was made fun of a lot. I used humor and food to push down the pain, settling into the role of the funny one. Walking to the bus stop was awful, as children down the street belittled and threw eaten fruit at me. For some reason, their "religious" (and I use this term loosely) parents never reprimanded them. People have no idea how words can damage, especially to someone sensitive and vulnerable like I was. I was not taught to stand up for myself (as that would not be ladylike or what a good girl would do), so I just hung my head in shame and stuffed myself with more food. Gym class was a nightmare, I had to go to a specialty store for my clothes (or my grandma made them) and I even broke a chair. Of course, I did not attend any prom and was always the "fat friend." I made up for my physical appearance by being the clown and a model student, getting all A's. Yet no matter how well I did in school, I was tortured on the inside with self loathing.
I started my first diet at age 7. I did not know anything about calories or nutrition. I distinctly remember eating a cinnamon stick and hard boiled egg and being ravenous. This diet was the beginning of years of yo-yo dieting to follow. I knew so much about food and nutrition that I could have become a dietitian. To this day, I have the calorie count of most foods memorized.
When I turned 12, my father offered me $100 to lose 40 pounds. I went from 140 to 100 pounds, collected my money and bought a princess phone. Giddy from the compliments, I kept losing weight, ended up at 73 pounds and was admitted to the hospital with anorexia nervosa. I lost a few more pounds to hit my all time low of 67 pounds. After a year of starvation and not having any fun (or food), I spent my summer in a hospital ward. Even there I felt out of place alongside the kids who were really "sick." The knowledge of anorexia was in its infancy back then, so my "treatment" mainly involved a diet of higher calorie food. I refused to eat at first, but when they threatened to feed me thru an IV, I let down my resolve. Unfortunately, the lack of insight that eating disorders are not just about food, made real recovery impossible. I got up to 88 pounds and was released right before school started back up again. The day I got home, I ate an entire pan of brownies, then tried to burn off the damage by running into the woods by my home. Clearly, I was not "healed," but pretended I was ok.
Unfortunately, unlike other addictions, you cannot hide weight gain. As I read somewhere once, "food eaten in secret is no secret." By the time I was in 10th grade, I was up to 203 pounds. Binging had become my way to cope with pain, stress, loneliness and an all consuming chronic depression. I continued to binge eat, followed by months of self deprivation. In college, my weight went up and down, from 150 to 200 pounds. In 1988, my father died on my 21st birthday, and the cycle began again. I ballooned up to 229. I am only 5 ft 1, so the pounds were not only causing emotional pain, but physical pain as well. I then started another diet program and lost over 100 lbs. I did this by drastically cutting calories (500-800) and overexercising (3 hours a day). I was able to maintain a weight of 123 for all of one day in 1995.
Over the next ten years, I went back to old eating habits. This, coupled with 2 job layoffs in one year, resulted in me gaining back the weight. Despite having a Masters degree, I had trouble finding work. I was passed over for quite a few jobs. Do not let anyone fool you - weight discrimination is alive and well. Thankfully, I found an employer that could look past the pounds. Unfortunately, this did little to ease my inner turmoil or destructive eating habits.
By 2006, I was at my all time high of 258 pounds. Death would have been a blessing. I could barely walk without huffing and puffing. My feet were in awful shape, my face was always red and I looked and felt terrible. I truly wanted to die. Fortunately, my coworkers started a weekly weigh in contest. I decided to try one last time. I began that day - March 7th - by counting calories (1,300) and exercising 1 hour a day. Over the next 9 and a half months, I lost 100 lbs. My competitive spirit kicked in. That, combined with the support of my coworkers, made all the difference. Although I am not thin (I am a size 12 and would still like to lose 30 more lbs), my health has improved by leaps and bounds. I can now keep up in any exercise class. I spin, jump rope, do kickboxing, the elliptical, weights, step and run. I have run over a dozen 5ks, one 10k and am training for a half marathon. This is amazing to me, as I could barely climb a flight of stairs at my heaviest. Plus, I am over 40, which makes these accomplishments that much sweeter.
I am not about to sugarcoat (yum - sugar - my nemesis) the difficulty in keeping the weight off. I am not small. I still have body image issues. I doubt there will ever be a time when I do not battle the demons of binge eating. I also have chronic insomnia which makes me crave even more food just to keep awake. Plus, because my body is now used to lower calories and a lot of exercise, I have to be vigilant every day or the pounds come back on. Not everyone is aware of this, but fat cells just shrink when you diet. Unless you have liposuction, they do not disappear. They are always waiting to expand again. I am trying to accept that, unlike most people, I have to count calories, plan meals and work out (at least 1 hour per day, often two). This is the price I must pay to maintain this loss. Trying to lose more or maintain is incredibly difficult. When you have spent your whole life turning to food inappropriately for comfort, it is a hard vice to let go of.
So what makes this time of losing 100+ lbs different than past efforts? I am committed to exercising, even when I do not want to. I never go more than 4 days without exercise and rarely even one or two. I strive to be fit, not skinny. There are a lot of "skinny fat" people out there. They may be a size 4, but can they exercise non stop for 1 hour? Do they have a healthy triglyceride level?
I can never guarantee that I will not gain the weight back. I know odds are against me. I do know that I can keep trying. I am grateful for the support along the way. My coworkers cheered me on, gave me gifts, took progress photos and shared in the joy of my accomplishments. While I would not wish a weight problem or eating disorder on my worst enemy, it has given me insights I would not have had otherwise. I can empathize with anyone who has ever felt different or left out. I know what it is like to be on the brink of death. I know the road out can seem like a never ending climb uphill. Giving up is always an option, but the alternative is a pale comparison to the triumphs that can be achieved. And it all started one typical Tuesday in the dead of Winter - March 7, 2006.
March 7, 2006 was the day that changed my life forever. It was on this day that I embarked on a health and fitness journey. 4 years later, I am still benefiting from the profound changes and transformation.
Like many people, I have struggled with weight issues my whole life. I was a chubby child until age 5 when I was in a car hit by a drunk driver. I broke my leg and spent the summer in a cast drinking milkshakes. The pounds piled on. I was painfully aware that I was different than other kids. This was back in the 70s when there were only a few fat kids around, not the proliferation like you see today. I always had friends, but I also endured emotionally debilitating taunts and abuse. I often came home from school crying. Children can be cruel. I was made fun of a lot. I used humor and food to push down the pain, settling into the role of the funny one. Walking to the bus stop was awful, as children down the street belittled and threw eaten fruit at me. For some reason, their "religious" (and I use this term loosely) parents never reprimanded them. People have no idea how words can damage, especially to someone sensitive and vulnerable like I was. I was not taught to stand up for myself (as that would not be ladylike or what a good girl would do), so I just hung my head in shame and stuffed myself with more food. Gym class was a nightmare, I had to go to a specialty store for my clothes (or my grandma made them) and I even broke a chair. Of course, I did not attend any prom and was always the "fat friend." I made up for my physical appearance by being the clown and a model student, getting all A's. Yet no matter how well I did in school, I was tortured on the inside with self loathing.
I started my first diet at age 7. I did not know anything about calories or nutrition. I distinctly remember eating a cinnamon stick and hard boiled egg and being ravenous. This diet was the beginning of years of yo-yo dieting to follow. I knew so much about food and nutrition that I could have become a dietitian. To this day, I have the calorie count of most foods memorized.
When I turned 12, my father offered me $100 to lose 40 pounds. I went from 140 to 100 pounds, collected my money and bought a princess phone. Giddy from the compliments, I kept losing weight, ended up at 73 pounds and was admitted to the hospital with anorexia nervosa. I lost a few more pounds to hit my all time low of 67 pounds. After a year of starvation and not having any fun (or food), I spent my summer in a hospital ward. Even there I felt out of place alongside the kids who were really "sick." The knowledge of anorexia was in its infancy back then, so my "treatment" mainly involved a diet of higher calorie food. I refused to eat at first, but when they threatened to feed me thru an IV, I let down my resolve. Unfortunately, the lack of insight that eating disorders are not just about food, made real recovery impossible. I got up to 88 pounds and was released right before school started back up again. The day I got home, I ate an entire pan of brownies, then tried to burn off the damage by running into the woods by my home. Clearly, I was not "healed," but pretended I was ok.
Unfortunately, unlike other addictions, you cannot hide weight gain. As I read somewhere once, "food eaten in secret is no secret." By the time I was in 10th grade, I was up to 203 pounds. Binging had become my way to cope with pain, stress, loneliness and an all consuming chronic depression. I continued to binge eat, followed by months of self deprivation. In college, my weight went up and down, from 150 to 200 pounds. In 1988, my father died on my 21st birthday, and the cycle began again. I ballooned up to 229. I am only 5 ft 1, so the pounds were not only causing emotional pain, but physical pain as well. I then started another diet program and lost over 100 lbs. I did this by drastically cutting calories (500-800) and overexercising (3 hours a day). I was able to maintain a weight of 123 for all of one day in 1995.
Over the next ten years, I went back to old eating habits. This, coupled with 2 job layoffs in one year, resulted in me gaining back the weight. Despite having a Masters degree, I had trouble finding work. I was passed over for quite a few jobs. Do not let anyone fool you - weight discrimination is alive and well. Thankfully, I found an employer that could look past the pounds. Unfortunately, this did little to ease my inner turmoil or destructive eating habits.
By 2006, I was at my all time high of 258 pounds. Death would have been a blessing. I could barely walk without huffing and puffing. My feet were in awful shape, my face was always red and I looked and felt terrible. I truly wanted to die. Fortunately, my coworkers started a weekly weigh in contest. I decided to try one last time. I began that day - March 7th - by counting calories (1,300) and exercising 1 hour a day. Over the next 9 and a half months, I lost 100 lbs. My competitive spirit kicked in. That, combined with the support of my coworkers, made all the difference. Although I am not thin (I am a size 12 and would still like to lose 30 more lbs), my health has improved by leaps and bounds. I can now keep up in any exercise class. I spin, jump rope, do kickboxing, the elliptical, weights, step and run. I have run over a dozen 5ks, one 10k and am training for a half marathon. This is amazing to me, as I could barely climb a flight of stairs at my heaviest. Plus, I am over 40, which makes these accomplishments that much sweeter.
I am not about to sugarcoat (yum - sugar - my nemesis) the difficulty in keeping the weight off. I am not small. I still have body image issues. I doubt there will ever be a time when I do not battle the demons of binge eating. I also have chronic insomnia which makes me crave even more food just to keep awake. Plus, because my body is now used to lower calories and a lot of exercise, I have to be vigilant every day or the pounds come back on. Not everyone is aware of this, but fat cells just shrink when you diet. Unless you have liposuction, they do not disappear. They are always waiting to expand again. I am trying to accept that, unlike most people, I have to count calories, plan meals and work out (at least 1 hour per day, often two). This is the price I must pay to maintain this loss. Trying to lose more or maintain is incredibly difficult. When you have spent your whole life turning to food inappropriately for comfort, it is a hard vice to let go of.
So what makes this time of losing 100+ lbs different than past efforts? I am committed to exercising, even when I do not want to. I never go more than 4 days without exercise and rarely even one or two. I strive to be fit, not skinny. There are a lot of "skinny fat" people out there. They may be a size 4, but can they exercise non stop for 1 hour? Do they have a healthy triglyceride level?
I can never guarantee that I will not gain the weight back. I know odds are against me. I do know that I can keep trying. I am grateful for the support along the way. My coworkers cheered me on, gave me gifts, took progress photos and shared in the joy of my accomplishments. While I would not wish a weight problem or eating disorder on my worst enemy, it has given me insights I would not have had otherwise. I can empathize with anyone who has ever felt different or left out. I know what it is like to be on the brink of death. I know the road out can seem like a never ending climb uphill. Giving up is always an option, but the alternative is a pale comparison to the triumphs that can be achieved. And it all started one typical Tuesday in the dead of Winter - March 7, 2006.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Why Running Is Cool - My Top 10
In honor of the Rochester half/full marathon this Sunday, I present my list. And yes, I am still very sad that I cannot run. I will try to attend to cheer on my fellow runners as bittersweet as it will be for me.
10) Not everyone can do it. Oh, they say they can - but I have seen my younger, thinner counterparts try to do a 5k on a whim and then stop and walk, wheezing all the way. My rule - you can always slow down, but NEVER stop. Once you stop, the momentum is gone.
9) Running lets you eat more. Granted, you cannot take this to extremes. A half hour of running only burns around 300 calories - the equivalent of a plain bagel. I am still working on conquering/balancing this one.
8) The people. I have met some great people. Runners tend to be dedicated, health conscious & kind.
7) The clothes. I don't fit into all of them yet, but the running outfits are very cute.
6) The sense of accomplishment. Nothing beats setting a PR, seeing the finish line, completing a good run. It makes all the bad runs - like when your feet feel like lead, worthwhile.
5) The atmosphere. The vibe at races/running events/groups is very motivating.
4) The health benefits. Running really increases your stamina and endurance. It can also change the shape of your body.
3) Let's face it, running is just plain cool. I used to feel like I should not say "I'm a runner." After all, I don't have the runner's slender physique and I am not fast. BUT, I have come a long way. After over a dozen races, injuries and being able to run for over 1.5 hours at a time, I do feel that I can now say "I'm a runner"
2) Running is my religion! Enough said
1) The way it makes you feel. Running is not easy. For some people it may be, but not for me. Granted, if I weighed less, it would be easier. But in the meantime, I still run. When I run, I feel strong. I may be tired and it may be a struggle, but I still feel so strong. I hope whatever your passion is that you feel strong too!
10) Not everyone can do it. Oh, they say they can - but I have seen my younger, thinner counterparts try to do a 5k on a whim and then stop and walk, wheezing all the way. My rule - you can always slow down, but NEVER stop. Once you stop, the momentum is gone.
9) Running lets you eat more. Granted, you cannot take this to extremes. A half hour of running only burns around 300 calories - the equivalent of a plain bagel. I am still working on conquering/balancing this one.
8) The people. I have met some great people. Runners tend to be dedicated, health conscious & kind.
7) The clothes. I don't fit into all of them yet, but the running outfits are very cute.
6) The sense of accomplishment. Nothing beats setting a PR, seeing the finish line, completing a good run. It makes all the bad runs - like when your feet feel like lead, worthwhile.
5) The atmosphere. The vibe at races/running events/groups is very motivating.
4) The health benefits. Running really increases your stamina and endurance. It can also change the shape of your body.
3) Let's face it, running is just plain cool. I used to feel like I should not say "I'm a runner." After all, I don't have the runner's slender physique and I am not fast. BUT, I have come a long way. After over a dozen races, injuries and being able to run for over 1.5 hours at a time, I do feel that I can now say "I'm a runner"
2) Running is my religion! Enough said
1) The way it makes you feel. Running is not easy. For some people it may be, but not for me. Granted, if I weighed less, it would be easier. But in the meantime, I still run. When I run, I feel strong. I may be tired and it may be a struggle, but I still feel so strong. I hope whatever your passion is that you feel strong too!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
09/09/09
Even though I am a writer by day, rogue blogger by night, I also have a thing for numbers, not just words. Normally, a date like today would be a day I would start a diet. From here on out I would vow, I will munch on carrots and celery like a rabbit and be perfect. Yeah, that always worked out well (not). That plan was foiled anyway, as a pizza/brownie meeting was scheduled at work. Ugh - trying to practice moderation while eating crap food - always a fun time.
One of my often visited number sites is this one:
TimeAndDate.com
Here you can find out how many days til a particular date. I would calculate how many days I have til I lose XX pounds. It would never work of course, yet I always believed in the magic.
So, whatever your nine nine oh nine holds, I hope it is a good one, filled with plans, possibilities and number crunching.
One of my often visited number sites is this one:
TimeAndDate.com
Here you can find out how many days til a particular date. I would calculate how many days I have til I lose XX pounds. It would never work of course, yet I always believed in the magic.
So, whatever your nine nine oh nine holds, I hope it is a good one, filled with plans, possibilities and number crunching.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
What's Your Sign Baby?
Mine is Pisces. I'm a water baby, a nurturer. I don't give much credence to astrology though. As a matter of fact, I am trying to give up the habit of reading my horoscope. The problem with horoscopes is that I love them when they're good, hate them when they're bad. I get so psyched when I read one that says I am going to have a big day at work, fall into money or love, etc. But then there are days when my horoscope says "watch your back, get used to being alone," etc. I just want the good vibes man! Plus, I know that these daily predictions are most likely written by some cubicle dweller making it all up. Not only that, they are so generalized that they can be interpreted to mean just about anything. So, I am going to try really hard to not read mine anymore. Wish me luck! :)
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
More To Love
So, is anyone watching More To Love? Normally I do not care for reality TV, with the exception of The Amazing Race. And, the only reason why I like that show is because I want to visit many of the countries they travel to. Plus, I like the host of the show. Anyway, I have been watching MTL for the past few weeks. As someone who struggles with weight and body image issues, I can relate to many of these women. Sometimes it is heartbreaking to see how sad they are. I know what it is like to miss the prom and have people pass you by because of your weight. However, my goal now is to embrace my curves, eat healthy and be fit!
Of course, as much as I can relate to some of the women's stories, I have also found the show to be offensive at times. I know it's on FOX, so that is to be expected. Still, they never should have shown how much women weighed next to their height like they did in their first episode. You would never see that on "The Bachelor" (a show I cannot stomach, excuse the weight related pun). But all in all, I do think it is a good thing that they show heavier people on their quest for love. The finale is next week I think.
PS When my coworker sent me my before picture, he entitled it - remember when there was more of you to love. Ha, ha....
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Almost 3 years
Well, my toe is still killing me, and I am sure it is broken. I am also sure my coworkers are sick of hearing about it. What can I say - I am a baby! No, not really - just in pain. But I am wearing a sneaker right now (as a test) so that is a step forward. I really want to run a 5k this weekend. Well, I don't want to, but I need to because it will get me back in a better place mentally. It was so discouraging to have my hamstring almost healed and now this. So we shall see....
In other news, we are on a cleaning frenzy at work and a graphic designer found a couple of old "before" photos which I shall post. I am guessing this was at a birthday celebration. How horrifying! This November it will be 3 years since I lost the weight, and more importantly - 3 years since I have kept most of it off (a personal record). Well, I am not at my lowest, but I have still lost 100+. Every day is a struggle with it, but I am so much healthier. Behind the phony smile in the before picture was a lot of physical and emotional pain (and shame). So as bad as I sometimes feel these days, I need to remind myself that I do feel better. I just wish I would not fluctuate as much. Of course, I also wish I weighed 99 but that is just being silly.
P.S. And yes, I will be posting another toe pic that a coworker took. My toe is purple and greenish today. Oh yeah - happy 1st of September. I won't lie - I went to Abbotts and had ice cream. Must not indulge in food when I am feeling low!
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