almost 4 years

It has been almost 4 years since I started my weight loss journey. Here is an old essay I wrote for a writing contest about that journey...

March 7, 2006 was the day that changed my life forever. It was on this day that I embarked on a health and fitness journey. 4 years later, I am still benefiting from the profound changes and transformation.

Like many people, I have struggled with weight issues my whole life. I was a chubby child until age 5 when I was in a car hit by a drunk driver. I broke my leg and spent the summer in a cast drinking milkshakes. The pounds piled on. I was painfully aware that I was different than other kids. This was back in the 70s when there were only a few fat kids around, not the proliferation like you see today. I always had friends, but I also endured emotionally debilitating taunts and abuse. I often came home from school crying. Children can be cruel. I was made fun of a lot. I used humor and food to push down the pain, settling into the role of the funny one. Walking to the bus stop was awful, as children down the street belittled and threw eaten fruit at me. For some reason, their "religious" (and I use this term loosely) parents never reprimanded them. People have no idea how words can damage, especially to someone sensitive and vulnerable like I was. I was not taught to stand up for myself (as that would not be ladylike or what a good girl would do), so I just hung my head in shame and stuffed myself with more food. Gym class was a nightmare, I had to go to a specialty store for my clothes (or my grandma made them) and I even broke a chair. Of course, I did not attend any prom and was always the "fat friend." I made up for my physical appearance by being the clown and a model student, getting all A's. Yet no matter how well I did in school, I was tortured on the inside with self loathing.

I started my first diet at age 7. I did not know anything about calories or nutrition. I distinctly remember eating a cinnamon stick and hard boiled egg and being ravenous. This diet was the beginning of years of yo-yo dieting to follow. I knew so much about food and nutrition that I could have become a dietitian. To this day, I have the calorie count of most foods memorized.

When I turned 12, my father offered me $100 to lose 40 pounds. I went from 140 to 100 pounds, collected my money and bought a princess phone. Giddy from the compliments, I kept losing weight, ended up at 73 pounds and was admitted to the hospital with anorexia nervosa. I lost a few more pounds to hit my all time low of 67 pounds. After a year of starvation and not having any fun (or food), I spent my summer in a hospital ward. Even there I felt out of place alongside the kids who were really "sick." The knowledge of anorexia was in its infancy back then, so my "treatment" mainly involved a diet of higher calorie food. I refused to eat at first, but when they threatened to feed me thru an IV, I let down my resolve. Unfortunately, the lack of insight that eating disorders are not just about food, made real recovery impossible. I got up to 88 pounds and was released right before school started back up again. The day I got home, I ate an entire pan of brownies, then tried to burn off the damage by running into the woods by my home. Clearly, I was not "healed," but pretended I was ok.

Unfortunately, unlike other addictions, you cannot hide weight gain. As I read somewhere once, "food eaten in secret is no secret." By the time I was in 10th grade, I was up to 203 pounds. Binging had become my way to cope with pain, stress, loneliness and an all consuming chronic depression. I continued to binge eat, followed by months of self deprivation. In college, my weight went up and down, from 150 to 200 pounds. In 1988, my father died on my 21st birthday, and the cycle began again. I ballooned up to 229. I am only 5 ft 1, so the pounds were not only causing emotional pain, but physical pain as well. I then started another diet program and lost over 100 lbs. I did this by drastically cutting calories (500-800) and overexercising (3 hours a day). I was able to maintain a weight of 123 for all of one day in 1995.

Over the next ten years, I went back to old eating habits. This, coupled with 2 job layoffs in one year, resulted in me gaining back the weight. Despite having a Masters degree, I had trouble finding work. I was passed over for quite a few jobs. Do not let anyone fool you - weight discrimination is alive and well. Thankfully, I found an employer that could look past the pounds. Unfortunately, this did little to ease my inner turmoil or destructive eating habits.

By 2006, I was at my all time high of 258 pounds. Death would have been a blessing. I could barely walk without huffing and puffing. My feet were in awful shape, my face was always red and I looked and felt terrible. I truly wanted to die. Fortunately, my coworkers started a weekly weigh in contest. I decided to try one last time. I began that day - March 7th - by counting calories (1,300) and exercising 1 hour a day. Over the next 9 and a half months, I lost 100 lbs. My competitive spirit kicked in. That, combined with the support of my coworkers, made all the difference. Although I am not thin (I am a size 12 and would still like to lose 30 more lbs), my health has improved by leaps and bounds. I can now keep up in any exercise class. I spin, jump rope, do kickboxing, the elliptical, weights, step and run. I have run over a dozen 5ks, one 10k and am training for a half marathon. This is amazing to me, as I could barely climb a flight of stairs at my heaviest. Plus, I am over 40, which makes these accomplishments that much sweeter.

I am not about to sugarcoat (yum - sugar - my nemesis) the difficulty in keeping the weight off. I am not small. I still have body image issues. I doubt there will ever be a time when I do not battle the demons of binge eating. I also have chronic insomnia which makes me crave even more food just to keep awake. Plus, because my body is now used to lower calories and a lot of exercise, I have to be vigilant every day or the pounds come back on. Not everyone is aware of this, but fat cells just shrink when you diet. Unless you have liposuction, they do not disappear. They are always waiting to expand again. I am trying to accept that, unlike most people, I have to count calories, plan meals and work out (at least 1 hour per day, often two). This is the price I must pay to maintain this loss. Trying to lose more or maintain is incredibly difficult. When you have spent your whole life turning to food inappropriately for comfort, it is a hard vice to let go of.

So what makes this time of losing 100+ lbs different than past efforts? I am committed to exercising, even when I do not want to. I never go more than 4 days without exercise and rarely even one or two. I strive to be fit, not skinny. There are a lot of "skinny fat" people out there. They may be a size 4, but can they exercise non stop for 1 hour? Do they have a healthy triglyceride level?

I can never guarantee that I will not gain the weight back. I know odds are against me. I do know that I can keep trying. I am grateful for the support along the way. My coworkers cheered me on, gave me gifts, took progress photos and shared in the joy of my accomplishments. While I would not wish a weight problem or eating disorder on my worst enemy, it has given me insights I would not have had otherwise. I can empathize with anyone who has ever felt different or left out. I know what it is like to be on the brink of death. I know the road out can seem like a never ending climb uphill. Giving up is always an option, but the alternative is a pale comparison to the triumphs that can be achieved. And it all started one typical Tuesday in the dead of Winter - March 7, 2006.